Maniac Runs Loose in PepsiCo Bottling Plant

A man went on a rampage in a Roanoke soft drink bottling plant earlier this week, prompting company bigwigs to take a closer look at their "free sample with tour" policy. While no one was seriously hurt, several tour participants had to be helped out of the Dr. Pepper carbonation tank.

The assailant, who can only be identified as W.W. as several civil lawsuits against him/her are pending, apparently broke free from the group and started climbing the pipes that shuttled the soft drinks from holding containers to beverage containers. According to one eyewitness, W.W. was then subdued with a tazer rifle and brought to the ground, but managed to regain his/her senses and pushed four innocent bystanders over the railing that separated the walkway from the carbonation bins.

On Monday, PepsiCo spokesman Harold Merriweather was able to make a short statement about the incident."As far as we can tell, the assailant was behaving normally and was not causing any problems through most of the tour. Once the tour group reached the free sample station at the end of the tour, the assailant drank some Mountain Dew, which seemed to trigger a violent reaction. We can not say anymore about the situation, but we do want to apologize to the families of the victims of this senseless crime."

by Francine Robideux

ARG Community Cries "Fowl" Over Proposed New Game

Members of the ARG community were "insulted and outraged," according to one source, at the suggestion that there was an Alternate Reality Game set for launch in January 2003, based on the lives of fictional chickens. "The premise of an Alternate Reality Game should, at the very least, have some shred of reality within it's plot. Talking chickens are not within the realm of reality," the source went on to say.

While the plots of previous ARG ventures have been based on such topics as robots, urban explorers, and some guy named Ed Sobian, there has never been an attempt to base any campaign on interactive animals. ARG community member, and pornography fiend, Sean Stacey made this observation: "Why would someone get involved in a game where the main focus is how many eggs a chicken can lay in a week? There's no puzzle there, damnit!"

The group that is planning to launch the game has not come forward to comment, but representatives of the group have been in contact with several ARG resources, including this reputable web site. Candice Joplin, editor-in-chief of guysguise.com, can reveal that the group is prepared to launch the game, whether it has the support of the public or not. Many insiders agree that this endeavor sounds like the most ridiculous thing they've heard of since murderous robot boats, and is sure to suffer the same destructive fate.

by George Burrows

Great Googly Moogly!

Chatters in the #unfiction room at irc.chat-solutions.org were surprised when unexpected guests Siegfried and Roy ventured into the chatroom to wish their loyal followers a happy holiday season, and the best in 2003. Surprised by their sudden appearance, those who were present in the chatroom at the time were shocked, and some even turned volatile towards the beloved performers.

While they are not considered 'regular visitors' to the chatroom, they were responding to an email sent out by an anonymous source that led them to believe that the room was full of devoted fans of their wacky antics with animals. In particular, they were tipped off about a member who regularly involves his cats in the IRC chat experience.

If you would like a copy of the chat log, please send an email to our very own James Ingrahausen, who just happened to be lurking in the room at the time of the incident. We must warn you, however, that the language used and suggestions made by certain people present in the room at the time can be disturbing to some.

Siegfried and Roy have declined to speak with guysguise.com about the matter. Their press agent will only say that the two are "distraught. They feel violated in every way possible."

by Nancy Maclean