Primate
Politics
For the first time in over fifty years, a chimpanzee
has been cleared for a seat on the U.S. Senate.
In his gripping statement made earlier today,
Bimp the chimp restated his election campaign
outines as he promised to lower income tax, increase
spending on social programs, and abolish the embargo
with Banana Island.
In an unexpected move, President Bush has called
for a recount of the votes in favor for Bimp.
Press secretary Ari Fleisher said yesterday during
a press conference that the recount was needed
because "there is strong suspicion that many
of the voters did not bring proper identification
with them when it was time to vote. As a result,
there is strong belief that some of the voters
were, in fact, rhesus monkeys dressed in human
clothing, and not taxpaying residents of the state."
Officials at the Bimp for Senator Campaign Headquarters
dismissed the allegations. "Ooog mah mah
mahhhh nog boo fah no noo oooh ooh ooaaah aaah
AHHH!" said Russell Mardick, campaign coordinator.
"Eeee mah gooo pooo pah beee meee oooh ooh
ooaaah aaah AHHH!"
Bimp declined to comment on Fleisher's statement
as he boarded a plane for West Virginia to begin
negotiations with Queen Nafita of Banana Island.
by James Corgan
New element found
Quantum physics students at South California
Technical Institute have discovered a new element
that could change the face of chemistry in a very
short time.
Argnetium, or ARG for short, is the 119th unique
element to be added to the periodic table. Joshua
Mendez, a senior at SCTI, is credited with the
discovery, although he is quick to give credit
to his colleagues.
"If it wasn't for the tireless dedication
to the project, we would have never isolated this
unique entity," said Mendez in an exclusive
interview with guysguise.com. He went on to attribute
the beginnings of the project to the foemer dean
of the faculty. "We wouldn't have even started
project 4591-2 if it wasn't for the initial findings
of Dr. Doan. He should be hailed as a national
hero."
While Dr. Doan could not be reached for comment,
guysguise.com has learned that his initial findings
are based upon a study conducted at General Telometrics,
a genetic engineering laboratory in the United
States. Dr. Doan is a graduate of Bangalore World
University and currently resides in Nevada.
The element that has taken the world by storm
is unique in that it the first element discovered
in decades that is naturally occuring. It was
hidden deep in the crust of the earth underneath
a crater impact site, and it may very well have
extra-terrestrial origins.
guysguise.com wil bring you updates as more information
is made available.
by Francine Robideux |
