"Mr. Gerbil" steps down

Despite numerous petitions begging him to reconsider his decision, Martin Mitchell has officially stepped down as the leader of Toronto's GTDP, thereby relinquishing his position in the Toronto City Parliament.

Mitchell had been the leader of the Greater Toronto Democratic Party since early 2001. Although Mitchell was not officially removed from his position, many insiders say that a recent scandal may have forced him to make this move to save his political career.

In August of this year, a reporter for the Toronto Sun claimed to be in possession of a videotape that showed Mitchell engaging in what can only be described as "lobbing gerbils towards oncoming traffic" on the 407 ETR highway. In the video, sent in a grey envelope with no markings, the camera clearly picks up the unique facial expressions of Mitchell, a reformed stutterer. At the time of the article in the Sun, Mitchell offered no comment except to say, "Those bastard gerbils... we need control, damnit!"

With the scandal came the insults and slander. An anonymous group took out a full page add denouncing what it called the "Gerbil Throwing Democratic Party" And Mitchell's lawyer, Simone Wright, was pelted with gerbil bean dolls as she fled from a downtown courtroom earlier this month.

by A Ferret on Amitriptyline

Amusement park deemed "No Fun" by fifth grade students

Students from the Calvert Institute in Pasadena have spoken out against the recent proposal put forward by the Goldman Group which could see the world's first virtual-world amusement park become a reality in nearby San Jose. While parents of the fifth grade students were outraged at the company's use of class time to conduct their market research, The Goldman Group offered no comment about their final decision.

One of the questions that students were asked about involved what an "ideal" amusement park would offer to the public. The overwhelming response to that question: Rides you can actually sit in. Timmy Buchanan, only 11, reportedly wrote down, "I can't believe I have to miss gym class for this bullshit. Get your cheesy cologne-wearing pseudo-researchers out of my classroom before I find a new place for our class hamster."

The Goldman Group is attempting to create the world's first virtual-world amusement park, one that can be accessed worldwide through broadband modems. The biggest obstacle so far, according to CEO Pauline Jackson, is "getting the public to understand that an amusement park does not have to be solely fun and games. An amusement park can be simple web-based Flash games and interesting articles too."

by Nancy Maclean

Research Tainted

Scientists at the Gorman Institute are denying reports that their recent research findings about a cure for irritable bowel syndrome are tainted. In a statement made yesterday, lead researcher Ted Balmoral reiterated that his group was not responsible for the derogatory statements prevalent in the research papers.

A spokesperson for the Falwell United Hospital, which houses the Gorman Institute, declined to comment about the reports, opting to remind reporters that the hospital does not regulate the Institute in any fashion. When presented with this information, Balmoral went on the record to state, "They're a bunch of hoobity joobity whack blow job princesses and drag queen wannabes who don't give two cents about what people of IBS are really struggling with."

The Gorman Institute is claiming that comments that referred to patients as "whack bitches", "crack whores" and "bum buddies" were not out of line in this research paper. As well, the institute claims that the use of the term "her ass was as wide as a Mack Truck" was appropriate to the patient in question. Balmoral summed up the issue at hand in this statement from his recent press conference at the institute: "Whenever you're dealing with a disease like IBS, it's often difficult not to use these sorts of comments. And anyone who thinks we should have done it a different way needs to be looking out for me, 'cause I'll pop a cap, no, THREE caps in the back of yo' head if I be hearing any of this shiznit ever again."

by Francine Robideux