Previously Unreleased Song Sent In To Guysguise

MOSCOW -- A song thought to have been long destroyed has been submitted for review to Guysguise magazine, prompting members of the ARG community to put aside the notion that Anatoli Jamesinokov had only released four songs in his lounge singing career. Jamesinokov, world-reknown for his terrible voice and poor English grammar, was not available for comment at press time.

The tape contains a version of "The Where.gifs In Your Mind," a tribute to the LockJaw ARG which started just over a year ago. Guysguise.com Assistant-Editor-In-Cheif Yuzi Kamaraha comments that the lyrics were penned by "a white guy, definitely a white guy. These are definitely white guy lyrics. Some sort of pale figure wrote these, I know it." While Guysguise.com is not prepared to release the tape to the public, the following lyrics can be confirmed to be part of the ballad:

Damn the eye through which we came here,
Damn the waking buddha too.
Damn the URF and damn their forums.
Damn, we need another clue!

While the tape was sent in a brown unmarked envelope, staffers at Guysguise.com were quick to speculate about who may be responsible for plaguing the office with the malicious warbling of Jamesinokov, a Gulf War veteran with a penchant for Three Dog Night. "Only one evil empire would be brave enough to drop this on our doorstep," stated sex therapist Wendy Marino. "I'll be sure to send them some hate mail when the time is right."

Jamesinokov is best known for his heartbreaking versions of "Happy Birthday," which are sent in anonymously to specific targets in the ARG community. While many of his victims do not fully recover, police have never laid any sort of charges against the Russian. Jamesinokov continues to sing the the Kremlim Room of Hotel Nanchya in southeastern Moscow every Thursday and Saturday night.

by Harvey Macklin

New River University Co-Ed Dormitory Scandal

ARIZONA -- The administration at New River University is scrambling to cover their collective asses in the wake of allegations from seventeen students who are claiming that security personnel have been secretly filming them in the privacy of their dormitory rooms. Lawyers for the twentysomethings have begin to develop sexual harassment lawsuits against the university, its president and the head of its security division.

Guysguise.com managed to get into contact with one of the girls who is claiming to have had her right to privacy shattered by university employees. According to Nancy Chan*, an advanced chemisty student in her second year at the school, she found a small, spycam-type video transmitter inside the smoke alarm in her dorm room. Upon further examination, she found similar devices in some of the shelving units, as well as in her own toothbrush. While Chan cannot publically comment about the situation, she has made it clear that the toothbrush was one of her favorites of all time, and this has got her supremely pissed off.

NRU officials have not made clear whether the allegations are true or not, but in a hidden camera expose (how ironic), an undercover officer of the Tuscon Police Department discovered the head of the security division skulking around the dormitory facilities very late at night, ripping wires out of the walls along the hallways to several rooms. An investigation is underway, and when more information is available, Guysguise.com will be sure to have the breaking news to the ARG community first.

by James Corgan

* Not real name. We protect our sources.

The Ferret Knows: 2003 Grammy Predictions

Generally, when ferrets type out a list of their predictions of who will win awards at a very prominent awards show, many people would raise their eyebrows. No, not because there is no way to truly know who wins awards at these events, but because ferrets are not supposed to be typing. In any case, our ferret-on-the-scene has his picks for tonight's big event.

Record of the Year: How You Remind Me (Nickelback)
These guys continue to put a bright light on Canadian rock and roll, further separating the world audience from the anomaly known as Bryan Adams.

Album of the Year: The Rising (Bruce Springsteen)
This album is about bread in an oven, right? I love bread...

Song of the Year: Complicated (Avril Lavigne)
I personally think that this should be the theme song to puzzles in the caliber of where.gif, because they are complicated. Get it? Complicated? I love bread...

Best New Artist: Norah Jones
Have you heard "Turn Me On" yet? I wet my wood shavings twice the first time i heard it.

Best Rock Album: When I Was Cruel (Elvis Costello)
The anti-idol does it again. Well done, Elvis, here's some peanut butter and banana sandwiches for ya!

Best R&B Album: The Way I Feel (Remy Shand)
Dude sings like a lady -- now that's what I call music!

Best Rap Album: Tarantula (Mystikal)
We saw him perform for Etienne in the Tyson fight last night. Anyone who is that stupid deserves an award. This is the closest we can get to "Stupidest Man Of The Year".

Best Country Album:
(Editor: Um, the ferret ran away. We can speculate as to why, but we won't. Speculation is for the weak-minded, yo.)

by A Ferret on Amitriptyline