Public
Questions Groups Intent to Clone Cats
In a shocking announcement, the leader of the
controversial Dummassian religious group has announced
plans to create the world's first cat clone. The
Dummassians plan to use the cats to populate the
world with, "a hell of a lot of cats, my
friend," said Bernard Cyr. Cyr, known as
Dummas to his followers, then laughed in an evil
manner and threw smoke bombs onto the ground,
which provided a screen for his daring escape
from the stage.
Critics of the Dummassian group have been vocal
in the press since the announcement. "Take
a look around, don't we already have enough cats?"
said Lou Rhody, a long time public activist and
professional pimp. "I mean, like we really
need to clone more of the little bastards without
four or five going through my garbage every night."
Politicians all over the world are also reacting
strongly upon hearing the news. In Canada, Prime
Minister Jean Chretien walked out to a press podium,
sprayed pepper spray at the reporters awaiting
comments, and then skipped back into his house,
giggling all the way.
by James Corgan
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| "What
now I have to ask people to spay, neuter,
and NOT CLONE their pets? Get over here
you..." |
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Woman
Trips, Falls While Chasing the Wish
A woman in Vermont is resting comfortably at
home after falling into a pothole in what witnesses
are calling the "craziest chase we've ever
seen." One eyewitness claims that the woman,
who's name remains a mystery, was in pursuit of
a beachball-sized pulsating orb of energy that
she referred to as "Bella".
"She was right down there, right by the
Hansen's place, when she started screaming and
running towards us. We was scared," stated
Carl Williams, a shopkeeper in this sleepy little
town. When asked by onlookers what she was doing,
the unidentified woman screamed, "I'm chasing
my wish! I'm chasing Bella! Somebody help me!"
Soon thereafter, the woman tripped over a fallen
car bumper and fell into a rather large pothole
at the side of the road.
Police are not ruling out some greater force
behind this event. There have been swirling rumors
about a man living in the east part of the town
with strange powers and extra body parts. However,
there have been no arrests made so far. If you
have any tips or leads pertaining to this event,
please contact your local authorities.
by Nancy Maclean
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| Footage
from a Sony KX-545 Hi8 Camcorder of
woman being chased. Not the woman in
this article, however. The woman in
this article was chasing, not
being chased.
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Korean
Rap Leads to Cure for Chronic Back Pain
A lead researcher at Korea's Nam Gyo Song Medical
Research Clinic in Taugu, South Korea has released
his findings after a three year long research
experiment. His official findings suggest that
listening to Korean rap artists, over a period
of several weeks, will virtually eliminate chronic
back pain in humans.
"Korean rap artists like DJ Doc, Jinusean,
and Drunken Tiger have digitally inserted special
soundwave signals in their songs to help ease
the pain of herniated discs," is in the introduciton
of Korean Rap Music and Back Pain: A Match
Made in Heaven. This research has sent
ripples through the medical community, especially
in the chiropractic area, where back pain specialists
are clamoring to buy up all Korean rap albums
from music stores across North America.
Guysguise.com has secured some samples of Korean
rap music to allow readers to try out this revolutionary
new pain relief technique for themselves. Just
click on the song title below to listen to a clip
of the song.
CB
Mass - Jin Jja (For the Club)
DJ DOC - Run To You
Drunken Tiger -
Good Life
If you have problems, try to right click the
file and "Save As..."
by George Burrows
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| See her?
She's Korean. No back pain. Honest.
Yes, they're real. |
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