Let's face it; guys basically couldn't care less about astrology. If girls didn't react to "Hey, what's your sign?", we'd drop the whole thing like a hot drill bit. But given the fact that at least we get a response we can reply to, we must learn some of the basics so we can push the conversation along to more meaningful subjects. So here's a primer, geared towards giving you some more weapons to add to your Initial Contact Arsenal (ICA), but including some down-to-earth pointers, just in case some of this stuff is true.

First, we should know that the signs of the zodiac are named after constellations (groups of stars). Somebody decided that a group of stars looked like something, and named it after that thing. Some of them are Greek names, some are Latin. I don't know why, and it doesn't matter. The thing to
remember is that the person you are talking to may believe that their personality is somehow related to the shape of a group of stars as seen by some guy in a toga 3000 years ago who had probably eaten some overripe grapes.

OK, so let's carve this thing up like a 20 pound Thanksgiving turkey.

Aries - (The Ram) - The key word here is impulsive. These people think they can do anything by force of willpower. We all know that's not possible, but they can go a long way just trying. They won't necessarily try to dominate you, but they will want to get their way. If you want to settle down in suburbia with a couple of kids and a regular job, run away. On the other hand, if you don't mind starting a new career every 6 or 8 months, this could be your gig. Short term prospects are good, but make it an adventure.

Taurus - (The Bull) - This person will think they are strong and capable. What this means to you is that they will feel that they own you. Once they start on a path, they will not give up. Short term prospects are bad.  Do not challenge this person. You will get your ass kicked, if not now, then later.

Gemini - ( The Twins) - As you might expect, these people feel they are destined to have split personalities. They can NEVER be satisfied.  Don't even try. You will have to be two people, too, which can be fun if you are healthy and don't understand "regret".  Short term prospects; what day
is it?

Cancer - ( The Crab) - Cancer women are told that they are the best mothers.  If you want kids and a clean house and a long relationship, you could do a lot worse. Otherwise, move on. 

Leo - ( The Lion) - Let me paint a picture for you. You see a woman across the room. She's wearing some kinda leopard print tights with a chartreuse (that's bright green) wrap thingy, funky glasses, and holding her drink upright in the palm of her hand. This is a Leo. Way into pleasure and self expression. If you got the cojones, this is a good time that never ends.  Until you get tired. Then you'll be left on the side of the road like a burger wrapper that blew out the window of a '57 Cadillac.  Good luck.

Virgo - ( The Virgin!) - Alas, Virgos are not really all virgins. But they might as well be, because you will wake up the next morning to a discussion of the mechanics of sex, and perhaps even allow yourself to get involved in designing some kind of apparatus to improve things. Don't take offense at this, but it does kind of take the edge off the experience for some of us.

Libra - ( The Scales) - ...as in 'balance'. Hard to find a warning sign here, but getting in the front door is the problem. This person will be very careful and will not tolerate bullshit. You will have to learn something about art, and probably join Habitat for Humanity.

Scorpio - ( The Scorpion) - Sex will generally dominate this person's life.  Therefore, unless you are Fabio or Sean Connery, you don¹t have much of a chance. You can try, but you better have thick skin. Oddly enough, Scorpios can get jealous very easily, so learn some karate like tomorrow.

Sagittarius - ( The Archer) - Probably the classic 'bookworm', and who doesn¹t fantasize about that? Be gentle, mention Plato, buy some wine.  They like jocks. 

Capricorn - ( The Goat) - How does anybody see stars shaped like a goat?  Anyway, this person wants to be famous or important or both. You will have to meet her father before going anywhere.  And you won't be able to get him out of your head. You better have big, flashy plans for your first  date, or there won't be a second.

Aquarius - ( The Water Bearer) - We all know the typical Aquarian child; well, they're all grown up now, and grumpy because the shit didn't happen the way it was supposed to. Capitalism still rules, politics is still sleazy, and Jerry is dead.

Pisces - (The Fish) - So you're not ready to make a commitment? Well neither are they. The thing is, they don't know what the hell they want. The only way to get anywhere here is to keep the booze flowing, but I don't recommend that because many Pisces are lawyers.

So I hope this helps you to avoid the common potholes when traveling down the astrology road. Next time you ask somebody what their sign is, you'll have a few more tools at your disposal to build the kind of experience you had imagined. But you never read the directions anyway, did you?

Roger Phebus, contributing writer