Virtua Fighter 4:  A Picture Essay

Once upon a time, there were two men who didn't
like each other a whole hell of a lot.

One day, a blond haired woman came into their town
and announced, "I will hold a fighting tournament,
with the champion fighter receiving my consent to
do... things... that cannot be discussed in such an
open, public forum.  Good luck, men.

The mysterious woman then proceeded to balance 107
individually stacked porcelain pie plates on the fingertips
of her right hand. (Pie plates cannot be seen in
the above picture)

At that very moment, the mysterious blonde woman's
seemingly jealous ex-boyfriend asked her very nicely
to get her punk ass out of his new apartment.

This fight, er, discussion went on for hours.

And hours.  Finally, they agreed to disagree, and proceeded
to go their separate ways, butt-walking out of each other's life.

Fighters from both sexes (and some hermaphrodites too)
fought for days, trying to score with the light haired maiden.

Many battles were waged, and many bruises resulted.
Here, Tonya Harding loses her chance to be with the fair maiden.

This isn't actually part of the story.  I just took a picture of
these guys as they did a break dance routine at the
corner of 47th and Vine.  Rock and roll guys!

The maiden's heart grew colder and colder as it became
evident that there would never be a clear cut winner.

So, she packed up and left town, last seen walking
towards the world famous Ranking Match Hotel
in sunny Moreland, West Virginia.

The fighting never stopped in that sleepy little town.
Eventually, the only two survivors of what we now know as
"The War With No Real Purpose" settled down
on a little farm, with some chickens, but more
importantly, some rabbits.  Lenny loved those
rabbits.  He fed them everyday, sometimes from the
palm of his hand.  And then George had to shoot
Lenny in the back of the head.

The End.

John Otterburne, Ph.D, Cornell Hairstyling College